


In the Wee, Wee Hours of the Morning

by cakeisnotpie



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Shopping, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, just go with it, stereotypes ahoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2380253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cakeisnotpie/pseuds/cakeisnotpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang is grounded without their tech and on the run. So what else are they going to do but hit Walmart at three o'clock in the morning?</p><p>This is a silly little bit of fluff that popped up as a plot bunny. Just go with it. Don't expect logic or angst or battle or anything but stupid fun. And a bit of "awwwwwwww"</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Wee, Wee Hours of the Morning

**Author's Note:**

> I put in some links for some of the items just to prove that, yes, this stuff exists and can be purchased all in one place. :)
> 
> Thanks to my lovely friends who helped develop this bunny one evening when I needed a distraction.

“Alright. Let’s go over the plan one more time,” Steve said from the passenger seat. “We get in, get what we need, and get out. We’re under the radar here people; don’t draw attention to yourselves. Tony? Are you listening?”

“Yes, oh mighty leader. I am hanging on your every word,” Tony snarked from his place in the third row, smashed between Clint and Bruce. “I am not distracted by Clint’s elbow in my ribs or Bruce’s hand on my ass.”

“I do not have my hand anywhere near you,” Bruce protested, shoving Tony over until he was lying on Clint.

“Dude.” Clint pushed back. “Get your fingers away from the ‘nads.”

“Aw, Hawkass. You know you want me,” Tony said. “You find me irresistible.”

“Boys.” Natasha, safely seated in one of the middle bucket seats, sighed.

“Are we not going inside? I have heard mighty things about this marketplace; I desire to see it myself.” Thor took up far more space than he ought to which was why he’d gotten the place opposite Natasha. “With our disguises, shall we not wander freely?”

“A rose by any other name,” Tony offered. “Don’t know about you but people have tattoos of my likeness, so a pair of cheap shades and a ball cap aren’t going to do it.”

“It’s three o'clock in the morning,” Bruce reminded them. “There’s not going to be anyone in there to take your picture, Tony.”

“I’ll do it!” Clint offered. “The Avengers undercover! I need some new vines for my channel.”

“Boys.” Phil turned around in the driver’s seat and gave them all a gimlet stare; everyone knew who that look was aimed at. “Does everyone have their list of items?”

“I don’t know why I have all the food stuff on my list,” Tony complained. “I should be scoping out the electronics, see what they’ve got I could cannibalize.”

“Because you’ll want to buy everything and we’re here to get what we need,” Phil calmly replied, pocketing the keys to the [Dodge Durango](http://www.dodge.com/en/durango/?sid=1037056&KWNM=dodge+durango&KWID=1938518951&TR=1&channel=paidsearch) they’d borrowed off a car lot and opening his door. “We meet at the door by 3:52 a.m. Be sure and find clothes and other toiletries for yourself as well. We won’t be near civilization for awhile.”

The Walmart in Jacksboro, Tennessee loomed in the darkness, a bright beacon of consumerism in this rural farming area. The only shopping center in the whole county, it’s doors slid open with a whoosh as they entered. At this time of the morning, the expected elderly greeter wasn’t there, but the sounds of commerce were loud in the quiet time of night. Music, normally a background noise during the day, blasted out a mangled remix of “Karma Chameleon”. In the closest checkout lanes, a group of camo wearing hunters were arguing with the cashier about the sales price of a tree stand they were buying along with multiple cubes of Budweiser. A cart rumbled down the main aisle, a worker pushing a flat of boxes, new merchandise to be shelved. Over near the deli, a beeper was sounding, unattended and repeating its annoying buzz. From where they stood next to the closed McDonald’s, they could see at least eighteen people.

“Well isn’t this the happening place,” Tony said. “Party at the Walmart!”

“Shhhhh,” Steve nudged the other man. “What part of low profile don’t you understand?”

“Seriously, Steveo? Low and profile are an oxymoron for me,” Tony smirked.

“Oh, God, this was a mistake,” Phil murmured to himself. Clint nudged his shoulder sympathetically.

“We need supplies,” Natasha reminded him. “How much trouble can he cause in an hour?”

“Hey, cupcakes!” Tony made a beeline for the oval table laid out with fresh made baked goods. “We can buy them by the dozen. Look! when they put them all together, it makes a Hulk face! Bruce, we have to get these. Where’s the Iron Man? There has to be an Iron Man version.”

“This is going to be harder than I imagined,” Phil admitted with a shake of his head.

Ever since that beam hit the quinjet and they’d barely survived the landing, they’d had to go into survival mode. None of their equipment and tech worked which sucked when they were all currently wanted by the WSC and the U.S. military for questioning following Loki’s latest stunt. What they needed was time to figure out what was happening and plan a strategy without being caught. Thus, the trip to Walmart to get supplies.

“Truly, this is a wonder,” Thor said from beside Steve. “Such a place of bounty. This world has so many resources.”

“Yeah,” Steve admitted. “It’s a lot different than the local grocery when I was a boy. Seems a little much, though. Do we really need all this stuff?”

“Of course we do, Cap,” Tony called, heedless of who heard him. “Conspicuous consumption. That’s the American way.”

Phil had carefully divided the store into quadrants and made each person a list for maximum efficiency. Clint peeled off to the right, heading for the lawn and garden area. Natasha followed him, headed off to her area, health and beauty. Steve was responsible for electronics, so he and Bruce, who was assigned sporting goods, headed to the far back corner. Thor and Tony were food; Phil’s thought was that they would balance each other out, Thor getting junk food and Tony going for organic options.

In and out, that was his plan, and it went to hell in seconds. Tony and Thor started filling their cart, moving down the center aisle. Cupcakes went in, Thor grumbling about not having his image available. Tony tossed potatoes and pre-made pizza and a collection of fruit in without looking at the list. Then Thor saw the big stack [of plastic barrels filled with cheese puff balls.](http://www.utzsnacks.com/store/images/PRODUCT/medium/484.jpg)

“Ah, you do make full serving sizes!” he crowed with pleasure, dumping two of them in with the cupcakes.

“We’re going to need another cart,” Tony said, going back to get one.

Clint got sidetracked by an[ end cap with new release movies](http://kellysluckyyou.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/spidermanWMT-new-release-display.jpg).”Hey, the new James Bond’s out,” he said as he tossed it in his cart. “ Ooooooo, is that the one about the Seal team that got Bin Laden?”

Passing by the men’s section, Natasha reversed course and went[ to a display of t-shirts](http://www.walmart.com/search/?query=marvel%20shirts), a big wall with stack after stack of colorful clothing. She eyed the designs and sighed with disgust. “Would it kill them to put out a shirt with all of us on it?” she asked Clint who had wandered her way. “Look at this. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and the Hulk. That’s it.”

“There’s one … no two … of Wade Wilson,” Clint told her, pointing them out. “And Logan gets a couple. At least they can argue you’re on girl’s shirts; I’m just shit out of luck.”

“Want to bet?” she shot back.

“You’re on. And it counts even if it’s pink,” Clint said.

Rubbing his forehead, Phil got his own cart and started ticking off items on his list. First up was bedding for the cabin they’d rented in the Smoky Mountains. Towels for the bathroom and towels for the kitchen.

“Are those made in India?” Bruce picked the fitted white sheet out of Phil’s cart. “I worked in a factory in Rio for awhile. The conditions there were deplorable and the pay next to nothing. You mind if I switch these out for made in the USA?”

Phil shrugged; he didn’t care as long as they had sheets. “Get some blankets too if you can find them,” he told Bruce, wondering why the doctor wasn’t off gathering his list, but Phil figured he could take the help and they could work together.

“Oh, here.” Bruce handed Phil a small walkie-talkie. “Channel 14. Steve’s handing the others out. We snagged batteries and got them up and running.”

“Clean up on aisle nine,” the overhead speaker blared. Phil shared a glance with Bruce and left him as he made his way to the food section. That had to be Tony and Thor.

“Princesses!” Natasha held[ up a pink shirt adored with glitter and bows and tiaras](http://www.walmart.com/browse/5438_133202_1085039) as he passed the girl’s section. “As if that’s the end all, be all of a girl’s ambitions. Find a prince to save you and get married.”

“Hey, Merida doesn’t get married!” Clint protested. “She made her own choices.”

“It looks like a sparkle store vomited in here. And not a single Black Widow shirt or any Avengers merchandise at all.” She dropped the shirt. “I bet there’s not a single female action figure either.”

“Toy section?” Clint perked up. “You’re on. Phil, come join us. You know you want to check and see what they have. Strangest places, eh?”

“What I want is for everyone to fill their carts and get out of here,” Phil answered, but Clint was right. He’d found some of the most obscure collectibles on shelves of stores like this.

“Don’t worry, if I see something, I’ll grab it,” Clint promised with a wink as the two of them headed off.

The main aisle that ran perpendicular to the market entrance was blocked by a spill of fallen cereal boxes. A young man in the blue vest that was trying to pick them up. “Can you tell me which direction …” Phil asked. The man jerked a thumb towards the back of the store and grimaced.

The walkie-talkie crackled. “Virgin Mobile okay for the phones?” Steve asked.

Before Phil could answer, Tony chimed in. “Get an android, not one of Jobs’ pieces of crap. I can upgrade the android platform.”

“Just get the cheapest ones you can find,” Phil told Steve.

“Breaker one nine, breaker one nine,” Clint’s voice cut in. “You guys have got to come see this. Oh, God,” laughter filtered out of the walkie-talkie, “Tony, your face is …”

“Not a single one of me,” Natasha broke in. “Infinite variations of Iron Man and Cap but not a single Black Widow.”

“We need to stay focused …” Phil stopped talking; down the aisle he saw Thor and Tony, carts brimming with pop tarts, cheese puffs, gallons of milk, and[ LIttle Debbie](http://www.walmart.com/search/?query=little%20debbie) cakes, turn and head across the store. Snagging a twenty four pack of water, Phil sighed and set out after them. They weren’t hard to catch; Thor was fascinated by everything, stopping to marvel at the princess shirts in the little girls department and the footie pajamas in the boys area.

“I do not understand,” he said to Phil as Tony dragged him into housewares.”Teenagers as ninjas makes sense, and we have fought alongside many valiant mutants, but turtles? Their shells do not bend enough to fight that way.”

“It’s a cartoon, dude,” Tony said, stopping to backtrack to a display. “Hey, a [mini-doughnut maker](http://www.walmart.com/search/?query=mini%20doughnut). I could make this better, you know. Add some horsepower, recalibrate the sensors …” A purple foam dart whizzed out of nowhere and smacked Tony right in the forehead. “Hey! No doughnuts for you!”

Clint’s head popped up over a display shelf filled with curtains. “The official Avengers [Assemble Hawkeye Nerf bow](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Marvel-Avengers-Assemble-Avengers-Hawkeye-Longshot-Bow-Toy/37079548). Cool, eh?” A second foam projectile bounced off of Thor’s chest. “Much better than a plastic hammer.”

“They have children’s toys of Mjolnir? I would see this!” Thor declared.

“Phil,” Bruce called on the walkie talkie. “Do we need a Coleman stove?”

“Best be prepared. Propane, too, enough for the stove and some lanterns,” Phil answered.

“Wood fired would be more environmentally friendly,” Bruce said. “There’s some firestarters and kindling bundles.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil saw Tony pick up a [panini press ](http://www.walmart.com/search/?query=panini)and toss it in the cart. “Whatever you think best,” Phil replied absently. He pushed his buggy faster, turning the corner and hearing Natasha’s raised voice.  The aisle he looked down was filled with action figures, row upon row in bright vibrant colors. Disney cars gave way to Turtles and Transformers and, at the back, was a whole section of Avengers merchandise underneath a wide display banner that said, “Avengers Assemble!”

Natasha, hands on her hips, looked up at the blue vest wearing employee, an older man who, despite having a good five inches of height on her, was slumped over, trying to crawl into himself as she spoke.

“I’m sorry,” he was saying, “but little girls toys are on the next aisle over. We don’t have dolls for boys.”

“Dolls?” Natasha’s voice got deadly quiet. “What do you call these?” She held up a [twelve-inch tall Iron Man](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Marvel-Avengers-Assemble-Titan-Hero-Series-Iron-Man-Action-Figure/32703646).

“Action figures?” The employee took a step back. “Look , we just put out what they send us, okay? We get maybe one Black Widow per shipment. That’s all I know. You’ll have to take it up with Hasbro.”

“Thank you,” Phil said, interceding. He took the doll from Natasha’s hand and passed it over to Tony who crowed in delight. “We appreciate your help.”

The man took the opportunity to slip away, practically running down the aisle and over into the lawn and garden section.

“That looks nothing like you,” Thor said, turning the box around to get a good look at the features.

“Yeah, well, yours is worse,” Clint said, dropping down from the end cap and tossing another box to Thor. “And I’m blonde,” he huffed.

“At least you have one,” Natasha griped. “Such rigid gender stereotypes. Tony, I thought you had some say over the designs.”

“Just the licensing, but I’ll get Pep right on it. She’s always bitching about representation.” Tony was only half paying attention, pawing through the figures to see what he could find. [“Hulk hands that talk!](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Marvel-Avengers-Assemble-Gamma-Green-Smash-Fists/22879292) We’ve got to get these for Bruce.”

“Building blocks?” Thor asked, picking up a [Lego set](http://www.walmart.com/ip/LEGO-Super-Heroes-Hulk-Lab-Smash-Play-Set/31196226). “A child would have such fun with these.”

“Nat!” Clint shouted. “I found a toy with you on it!”

At the midway point of the aisle, metal fencing in a big square, taller than the shelves around it, held a large assortment of balls. Big rubber ones in bright colors mixed with smaller patterned ones. Clint pointed to one of the [balls near the bottom; ](http://www.mesuca.net/images/201407/goods_img/752_P_1404415283980.jpg)the whole team was portrayed on its dark blue surface. Squatting down, Natasha tilted her head to get a better look.

“Well, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to get my leg in that position, but at least I’m on there.” She reached in through one of the openings between the bars and tried to push the ball up, but they all shifted, burying it further in the middle of the pile.

“I’ve got it,” Clint said, swinging up and climbing the structure like it was a jungle gym. The metal corner poles shook as he clambered his way to the top.

“Barton!” Phil barked. “Don’t …”

“Ball pit!” Tony shouted. “Damn, Barton, you know how to have fun.”

Jumping in, feet first, Clint sank, laughing as he did. A red dimpled ball, the kind kids used for dodgeball, came flying at Tony’s head; Thor caught it and tossed it back in. A pink princess ball zinged towards Natasha, one with Cap’s shield at Phil. Then Clint popped up and flipped over the edge, the Avengers ball tucked under his arm.

Phil shut his eyes and rubbed his forehead. Twenty-three hours without sleep and everyone was getting punchy. What he wanted was to find a nice quiet bed and crawl in it, but, no, he was here, riding herd on a bunch of slap happy superheroes.

“Where’s Cap?” Tony looked around then depressed the talk button on his walkie talkie. “Hey, Spangles! We’re going to the Halloween section for big bags of rotting tooth goodness. What’s your poison?”

“Did you know,” Steve came back, “that they make markers that only write on special paper? Coloring on the wall is a time honored tradition for kids everywhere. How does this foster creativity?”

“Saves parents from scrubbing, though,” Natasha said. “There’s something to be said for coloring inside the lines.”

“Candy, Steveo. Come meet us and pick out something for your sweet tooth,” Tony repeated, wheeling his cart back along the aisle. He paused, reversed course, and put a complete set of the big action figures in Phil’s buggy. “You know you want ‘em,” he told Phil. With a push, he jumped onto the back of his cart and rode it all the way to the end of the aisle.

Keeping them from the Halloween stuff was a lost cause, so Phil didn’t even try. This whole plan was spiraling out of his control. His best hope at the moment was to mitigate the damage.

“What is this Halloween?” Thor asked once they got to the shelves filled with bag after bag of candy. “Is it a celebration of sugar?”

“Hallow’s Eve is the night before All Saint’s Day, around the same time as Samhain, an old Celtic tradition. The night that demons and devils and ghosts walk the Earth,” Bruce rolled up to them, his cart filled with camping supplies. “People used to leave offerings outside their house to appease the spirits and make them pass by. Nowadays it’s kids dressing up in costume who stand in for the spooks and people give them candy.”

“Or they get their houses egged,” Clint added, a pound bag of peanut M&Ms in one hand and four packs of[ Reese’s peanut butter pumpkins](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Reese-s-Peanut-Butter-Pumpkins-1.2-oz-6-count/26356586) in the other as he dumped them in his cart. “Trick or treat.”

Natasha tossed in a six pack of Butterfingers. “Those are mine,” she warned the others.

“You ever go trick or treating, Tony?” Bruce asked, his own bag of Hershey kisses in his hand.

“We had a party at school. I went one year as Howard, complete with smoking jacket and martini glass. Brett Davis made pot laced brownies, and we stole a bottle of scotch from Dr. Davis. Good times.” Tony cleared a shelf of Lindt and Cadbury bars.

“Anybody really eat these [orange and black pieces ](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Mary-Jane-Peanut-Butter-Kisses-16-oz/37327931)of crap?” Clint crinkled his nose at the peanut butter candy.

“I like those,” Phil protested.

“Well, there’s no accounting for taste,” Clint said, adding them to the almost full cart. “Wonder if they have a Black Widow costume?”

“Oh, now you’re doing that on purpose,” Phil complained, earning a cheeky grin for his trouble.

The moved enmass to the costume aisles, Tony heading straight for the little boy[ Iron Man ](http://www.walmart.com/search/?query=iron%20man%20costume&cat_id=2637)and Thor pleased to discover a[ red cape and breastplat](http://www.walmart.com/search/?query=thor%20costume&cat_id=2637)e with his name on it. He picked up the plastic hammer hanging next to it and twirled it in his hand.

“Now this is how children become warriors!” he proclaimed. “Play is important.”

“Aw, look at the bow and arrows.” Clint had a Hawkeye outfit. “I could totally make these work.”

“Fake Hulk muscles.” Tony nudged Bruce. “And Cap’s got them too.”

“That’s sort of scary,” Steve said, joining them. “But it’s nice to see the traditional pirates and cowboys haven’t gone out of style.”

“Bed sheets never get old,” Phil told him. “I never had a store bought costume.”

“Always wanted one,” Clint agreed. “Going hobo in your brother’s hand-me-downs isn’t cool.”

“Oh, hell no.” Natasha’s voice floated over from the next aisle.

“This should be good,” Tony said, heading her way. She stood with her hands on her hips, staring at the explosion of sparkles and pink around her.

“Fairy princess. Barbie princess. Princess Aurora, Princess Snow White, Princess Ariel. Wedding dresses. Those sisters from that ice movie. What the hell?” she demanded.

“You let your children dress as vampires?” Thor picked up the costume from the hanger.

“That’s not for kids, dude,” Tony told him. “That’s for a full-grown woman.”

“How? There is not enough material here for an adult,” he protested.

“Oooooh, a Merida dress! Look, Nat, it’s green.” Clint flipped through the hangers then pouted. “They don’t come in adult sizes. Man, that would be funny, wouldn’t it?”

“I’m sure we can order you one,” Tony said, looking through the rest. “Think I can get Pepper to dress up as a sexy cop?”

“No.” Bruce and Steve spoke at the same time.

“Don’t get me started on women’s costumes,” Natasha warned. “Sexy nurse, sexy pirate, sexy cheerleader … every damn one of them designed for men to ogle women’s bodies...”

“Look what I found.” Clint pulled out a Black Widow package, derailing Natasha’s rant. “Full body suit and little fake widow bites. Even has a red wig.”

Natasha eyed it then crinkled her nose. “Okay, that’s not that bad,” she admitted.

“I still do not understand. Why would anyone want to be a vampire much less one that is sexually desirable?” Sometimes Thor had a one track mind.

“Come on,” Tony slapped him on the back. “I bet they have all the Twilight movies. Let’s introduce you to Team Edward and Team Jacob. We can get a generator in sporting goods to power the DVD and TV.”

“Tony,” Phil tried to stop the coming train wreck, but Stark ignored him.

“Bows and arrows next.” Clint jumped on his cart and rode it down the aisle. “They have knives, Nat.”

“When did I lose control?” Phil asked Bruce.

“Just let it go, Phil. This was a losing proposition from the start,” Bruce replied. “I’m off to buy some pants and shirts. Just in case.”

Phil gave up. There was nothing to do but gather the things on his own list with a side trip to pick up some good coffee and his favorite creamer. If some blueberry scones and a pair of Avengers sleep pants found their way into the cart, well, he needed something to sleep in and he liked scones for breakfast, that was all.

“How much room do we have in the back of the car?” Tony’s voice crackled over the walkie talkies. “They’ve got a hitch attachment here and a rooftop holder. I’ll toss them in. We’ll need plastic tubs to hold everything.”

Determined to ignore the growing chaos, Phil wandered down the book aisle, pleased to find the new McCulloch biography in hardback.

“[Weed whackers ](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Black-Decker-12-Trimmer-Edger/15657962)are on sale. Diesel powered. We’d just need to stop and get gas,” Clint called out to everyone.

“Get three, no four,” Tony replied. “I can use them.”

What the hell, Phil thought; he bought a new tablet and a camera just in case.

“How are we going to tie all this down?” Steve’s voice broke up; he must be in the back of the store.

“Meet me in sporting goods,” Bruce replied. “We’ll get some bungee cords. I’ll be there as soon as I find some shoes that aren’t made in a sweatshop. Good God, what people will buy because it’s cheap.”

Turning down the middle aisle, Phil saw Clint, his feet sticking up, his head half in a [$5 movie bin](https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4016/4562704086_995b9ca137_z.jpg). Thor had a hand on Clint’s ankle and another in the opened tub of cheese puff balls, his fingers covered in sticky orange goop. Phil quickly ducked into the sewing aisle before he saw the outcome of that maneuver, deciding they could use needles and heavy duty thread for the medicine chest.

“Hey, I found Avengers boxers! Plus there’s Hulk and Iron Man … and Cap! … underwear. Anybody want a pair?” Tony asked. “I know Coulson wants one of each.”

Phil didn’t answer; he’d forgotten spices so he hurried over to the food section and picked up salt, pepper, and some basic condiments. Then he thought about actual meal planning and added the makings of a big pot of stew and another of chili along with some loaves of fresh french bread. By the time he was done, adding spaghetti in the mix for good measure, he had to go get a big pot and some pot holders and paper plates and napkins and plastic cutlery.

“Okay, marines, we are leaving,” Tony’s voice called out. “Assemble up front, ladies and gentlemen.”

There was only one checkout open with a real person operating it  and four people in line when Phil got there. Tony and Thor were taking over the [self-checkouts](http://cognitivecompost.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/wal-mart-self-checkout.jpg), Steve issuing orders, directing each of them take a station and lining up the buggies.

“Friend Steve!” Thor said. “I shall take this machine. It speaks to me.” He took out the half empty tub of cheese puff balls and sat it on the glass scanner. Nothing happened. “Record my purchase, machine,” he said. Nothing happened.

“You have to swipe it with the bar code up,” Tony said helpfully as he ran a [zen water fountain ](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Rock-Waterfall-Fountain-w-LED-Lights/39349598)past his scanner and put it in a bag. “Like this.” He picked up a big box with a [leaf blower](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Hitachi-23.9cc-Handheld-Blower-Green/28737938) and tapped the bar code before scanning it.

“Please move this item to your cart,” the checkout told Tony.

“Ah, I see.” Thor located the bar code and swiped.

“Please put your item in the bagging area,” came the command.

Thor sat the tub down next to the register and screwed the lid back on.

“Please put your item in the bagging area,” the checkout said again.

“I have done so already,” Thor said. He picked up the second unopened tub and swiped it.

“Please put your item in the bagging area,” the checkout said again.

“Have I not already completed this task?” Thor asked, growing frustrated, leaning towards the screen.

“You have to make sure the sensor plate registers the weight change,” Natasha said. She picked up the tub and sat it back down with a thump. The screen cleared. Thor swiped the second tub; the machine beeped happily and he sat the tub down hard, knocking over the bag holder.

“Ewww,” Tony held the box of tampons out at arm’s length. “Why did I get Natasha’s cart? Is this punishment for the lava lamp incident, Steve?”

“I’ll have you know that tampons are great for wound care. Why buy gauze when you can kill two birds with one stone?” Natasha said. Her cart level was steadily dropping, another one filling with neatly bagged items. “Blood is blood.”

“Gross. Just gross,” Tony complained, but Natasha got what she was aiming for as Tony let the matter drop.

“Where’s Clint?” Bruce suddenly asked from his own checkout.

Phil looked around; ten carts, five Avengers … yes, Clint was missing. “Where’s the last place anyone saw him?”

“Automotive,” Natasha replied. “He put a set of tiny screwdrivers in to modify the new bow.” She nodded to one of the carts with with a [Bowtech Diamond Infinity](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Bowtech-Diamond-Infinite-Edge-Bow-Black/35774922) box that already had a paid sticker on it.

“We can handle this,” Steve said to Phil. “You take the perimeter sweep.”

“Are we sure there’s enough cash …” Phil wondered, looking at all the junk crammed into the buggies.

“Tony tripled his stash limit after the last time. We’re fine,” Bruce assured him.

“Oh, where did you find this?” Tony held up a t-shirt that had Thor, Cap and Iron Man as Legos emblazoned upon it. “I want one. I have to have it.”

“Go,” Steve told him. “Find Clint.”

At the rate they were going, checkout would take a long time, so Phil left his cart and started a methodical search based upon his knowledge of the habits of one Clinton Francis Barton. He started in the toys, then swept through sporting goods, made a swing into electronics, and circled back to the lawn and garden area. That’s where he found Clint, stretched out on a display[ hammock,](http://www.walmart.com/ip/Hammock-Quilted-Fabric-With-Pillow-Double-Size-Spreader-Bar-Heavy-Duty-Brand-New/29402417) boots off and tucked under the edge. One arm was raised above his head, folded across his brow. A leg was bent at the knee as he sprawled, looking very comfortable. Phil let himself stare for a moment, taking note of the scrapes and bruises from the crash, the long red scratch down Clint’s arm.

“It’s a two man hammock,” Clint said, his eyelids half-cracked open. “They’ll be forever. Tony’s got two more carts coming from the back. You’re the one who always says a twenty minute power nap recharges you.”

There were a million reasons why he shouldn’t do it, the first one being that sleeping anywhere near Clint was tempting fate. Man turned into a cuddly octopus when he was asleep. But even as he listed the cons in his head, Phil was toeing off his shoes and loosening his tie. Blame it on the wee, wee hours of the morning and exhaustion from herding the Avengers, but he deserved a quick nap. The world wasn’t going to end if he closed his eyes for twenty minutes.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Steve hoisted the trailer onto the hitch as Tony crawled beneath the Dodge to link up the electrical connection. In the end, they’d just bought the larger sized trailer to get the generator and other equipment packed up.

“Where’s Phil and Clint?” Bruce asked, looking around. “I thought they were with you when you went to get Tony’s special shampoo,” he said to Natasha.

“I thought you found them when you switched the spaghetti sauce for Paul Newman’s,” she replied.

“Well, they weren’t in the cleaning supplies when I ran back to get bleach,” Tony said, standing up and brushing off his jeans. “Sounds like Operation Phlint is a go.”

“Phlint?” Steve asked.

“Phil plus Clint. Phlint. Everyone has cute names like that. Brangelina. Science Bros. Phlint,” Tony grinned. “Call it Cap. Let’s go find the boys.”

They split up, walkie talkies in hand. Thor found them first and, in a stealthy move, went back into the toys before he called the others to come see. Phil was on his back, one arm draped over the side of the hammock, the other underneath Clint who was curled against Phil’s side, his head on Phil’s shoulder. Clint’s ankle was linked around Phil’s, his arm across Phil’s stomach and tucked down into Phil’s belt.

“Phlint, indeed,” Natasha said with a fondness in her voice. “Guess it’s not a secret anymore.”

“Nat?” Clint opened his eyes and glared at her; Phil stirred, coming awake. “Trying to sleep here.”

“That?” Tony laughed, nodding towards the two men. “That has never been a secret. Up and at ‘em, boys. We’ve got miles to go but you can have the back seat.”

Phil dropped his arm over his eyes and sighed. He was never going to hear the end of this. So he turned his head and pressed a kiss against Clint’s forehead. “First person who says a word gets to do the paperwork for reimbursement.”

That got collective groans all around, but no one said anything on the ride to the cabin. Phil managed to nap the whole way, his head cushioned by a pillow and Clint snuggled up beside him.

 


End file.
